OBSESSED with Julie & Jackie
Thursday October 18th
9:30 PM
@ The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater
307 West 26th Street @ 8th Ave
$5
Make reservations at http://ucbtheater.com or @ 212-366-9176

The FOOD edition! Eat it up!
With special guests, comedian Chelsea Peretti & competitive eater & rapper Badlands Booker.

“Life is nothing if you’re not obsessed.” –John Waters

“It’s too bad Jackie and Julie don’t do a show every day, all day. I would be there. I would sit right in the front and fall in love with them over and over again.”
- Fred Armisen, Saturday Night Live

“Jackie and Julie are witty, totally hot enchantresses who complete each other’s thoughts while also completing your own. Their take on the world is so relentlessly sane it’s a privilege to be able to dive into their minds on a regular basis. I’m obsessed with them!” –
Michael Musto, Columnist for the Village Voice

Join comic geniuses Jackie Clarke and Julie Klausner as they host an evening based around the theme of obsession. Guests include writers, comedians, and actual loons (collectors, super-fans, aficionados and devotees of television actresses, novelty food, fan fiction, pop-topping, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and more), all of whom Julie and Jackie are totally obsessed with.

julienjackie_oct18.pdf

Julie Klausner (TV Funhouse, VH1) & Jackie Clarke (Hannity & Colmes, Radio with a Twist) are the latest additions to the writing staff for the second season of The Big Gay Sketch Show (link to http://www.logoonline.com/shows/dyn/big_gay_sketch_show/videos.jhtml) on the LOGO Network. They join UCB Theater alumni Rebecca Drysdale (HBO US Comedy Arts Festival) and Eliot Laurence (Guile), who wrote for the show last season.

“The Big Gay Sketch Show” is Executive Produced by Rosie O’Donnell, directed by Amanda Bearse with Scott King (MadTV) serving as head writer. Season two of the series will air in February 2008.

Julie and Jackie host a monthly variety show, “Obsessed,” at UCB Theatre. The September edition will feature comedian TODD BARRY and is Thursday, September 13 at 9:30 pm.

with special guest RICK SHAPIRO and LIBERACE’S GHOST
UCB Theatre | 307 West 26th St (just west of 8th Ave)
Tickets $5 | 212-366-9176 or online @ http://ucbtheater.com

“Life is nothing if you’re not obsessed.” — John Waters

Best friends, comedy partners, and mother and daughter Julie Klausner (VH1, Free To Be Friends) and Jackie Clarke (Hannity and Colmes, Radio with a Twist, Showgirls: The Best Movie Ever Made. Ever!) host an evening of comedy that will make Bob Fosse rise from his grave.

July’s OBSESSED features our “take” on Los Angeles, our love/hate relationship with Las Vegas, a visit and performance from Liberace’s Ghost (who will settle the issue of whether he was gay or not) and a performance from Lucky Louie’s hilarious RICK SHAPIRO!

It’s too bad Jackie and Julie don’t do a show every day, all day. I would be there. I would sit right in the front and fall in love with them over and over again.”
- Fred Armisen, Saturday Night Live

“Jackie and Julie are witty, totally hot enchantresses who complete each other’s thoughts while also completing your own. Their take on the world is so relentlessly sane it’s a privilege to be able to dive into their minds on a regular basis. I’m obsessed with them!”
– Michael Musto, Columnist for the Village Voice

 ”OBSESSED” WITH JULIE AND JACKIE with special guest, cult film hero, Tommy Wiseau (”The Room”)

OBSESSED with Julie and Jackie

UCB Theatre | 5919 Franklin Ave

Thursday, June 28 8 pm | Tickets $5

Reservations 323-908-8702 or http://ucbtheater.com

Best friends, comedy partners, and mother and daughter Julie Klausner (VH1, “Starveillance,” Hell House, “Free To Be Friends”) and Jackie Clarke (”Hannity and Colmes” on Fox News, “Radio with a Twist,” and “Showgirls: The Best Movie Ever Made. Ever!”) present an evening of comedy that will make Jerry Orbach rise from his grave.

OBSESSED is a comedy variety show with short films, hilarious competitive dancing, dirty PowerPoint presentations and special guests.  This show features Mr. Tracy Bogdanovich (who may or may not be Peter Bogdanovich’s brother and cult-film hero, Tommy Wiseau, the enigmatic writer, director and star of the “black-comedy” “The Room.” Tommy has had a billboard for “The Room” on Highland Avenue for the past few years.  He is currently working on a sitcom called “The Neighbors.”

“Jackie and Julie are witty, totally hot enchantresses who complete each other’s thoughts while also completing your own. Their take on the world is so relentlessly sane it’s a privilege to be able to dive into their minds on a regular basis. I’m obsessed with them!”

 – Michael Musto, Columnist for the Village Voice

Past OBSESSED guests include:

Janeane Garofalo (Obsessed with HBO’s Rome), Michael Musto (Obsessed with Suzanne Somers, and her amazing poetry), Cintra Wilson (Salon, Rolling Stone; Obsessed with Liz Renay), Jackie Hoffman (on her collection of newspaper articles about dead babies), Frank DeCaro (on his collection of Batman paraphernalia) and Fred Armisen (SNL; Obsessed with Guitar Hero II)

OBSESSED with Julie and Jackie

UCB Theatre | 5919 Franklin Ave

Thursday, June 28 8 pm | Tickets $5

Reservations 323-908-8702 or http://ucbtheater.com

www.julieandjackie.com

I am no longer afraid that men will kill me. I am just scared that they will bore me. I freaked out the other night when a boy with a crush on me showed up at a bar I was at and proceeded to flirt with me, but was clearly not very smart. I was like “read.”

Brag Attack: I am reading a book!

(more…)

Julie is now worried that every guy she meets is going to kill her ala Bret Easton Ellis. I told her Julie, “Guys aren’t gonna kill you. They’re just gonna disappoint you.” Honestly the only BEE I’ve ever read was “Less than Zero” and that was finshed in less that 3 hours. BEE makes Jacqueline Susann look like Philip Roth. But she said that she was much more weary of casual sex, you know, in case someone wants to bite off her nipples. (And not in a fun way.)

(more…)

Based on a brief flirtation with loving/hating Huey Lewis, and a consequent recommendation from a person I am no longer dating, I picked up American Psycho (the book, not the movie) and gave it a try, wondering to myself, “who are the douchebags that this douchebag is writing about?”

I soon realized that by exposing myself to this yuppie snuff, I was looking to punish myself somehow. I’m not sure what the latest reason is; I’m always looking to punish myself for different things in different ways (It’s a fill-in the blanks game, like Clue: “I’m looking to punish myself for SLEEPING WITH SOMEBODY WHO CAN’T LOVE ME by EATING A PAN OF BROWNIES.”). But I think my intentions were to take a curious peek into the lives of men who are not pussies, as I have, of late, been flanked with the Weaker, Weaker Sex, and felt I needed some broadening. Now I’m convinced that straight guys are either Artsy faggots or Wall Street psychopaths. I am clearly making progress.

After Ellis started describing exactly how his lead character gouged out a homeless man’s eyes, I thought to myself, “this isn’t going to get any better. And it’s going be really mean to ladies, and, as a lady, I can’t handle reading really elaborate, sadistic descriptions about hurting ladies.” I skipped ahead to see how bad it got, looked over a sexy passage about two hookers making it, saw that the finale involved one of those poor babes getting her nipple bitten off, and there was a chainsaw? Then, I was like, “The End.” Closed the book; talked about why I picked it up in the first place with my shrink, moved on.

I know the movie’s different; as closure, I read the script to the film, and it’s funny and mean, and Mary Harron seemed to make better choices about how to present the violence. I like the Whitney Houston stuff. I get it. I’m sure Chloe looks great in the film. But it was also made pre-9/11, which is, as far as a “heart of darkness” piece is concerned, amateur hour. Like, remember when Se7en was the scariest thing we could ever think of? Leave it to a couple of planes to make Kevin Spacey with no fingerprints seem like grandpa with a sheet over his head on Halloween.

Anyway, I hate Bret Easton Ellis. I think he’s a horrible jerk, and a lousy writer, and he wrote a stupid book, and the fact that there are scores of straight dudes who think that a yuppie prick chainsawing the heads off of girls is boffo social criticism is really sad. If this is your favorite book, I can’t talk to you. I’m pulling a Scharpling; like Fight Club for Tom, if this book is in your Myspace favorites, consdier yourself de-friended.

I’m currently reading Donna McKechnie’s autobiography, Time Steps, and suggest you do the same.

I am not classy. But do you know who is? Jerry Orbach. Why? Because he donated his eyes. Even after death Orbach is a total knock-out.

From the NY Daily News:

Beloved actor Jerry Orbach embodied the quintessential New Yorker, living his life with wisdom, wit and generosity. Now two lucky women will see the world through his eyes.

The Broadway and TV star donated his eyes when he died in December 2004, giving sight to two women who needed new corneas.

“I cannot remember a day that went by where he didn’t say, ‘I want to donate my eyes,’ ” Orbach’s widow, Elaine, recalled yesterday.

A prostate-cancer patient at the time of his death at age 69, the Bronx-born Orbach did not donate any other organs, she said. “He never wore glasses. He could read in the dark, practically - just this wonderful vision he was so proud of.”

I sort of wish I was one of the lucky ladies that saw the world through Jerry Orbach eyes. I mean he was a song and dance man and a total bad-ass. He plays a thug hitman in Crimes and Misdemeanors but you never hate him. Instead you think, man that broad he knocked off sure was mouthy. Then you giggle and pour yourself a glass of wine. Then you masturbate.

I am surprised that neither Julie nor I ever slept with Jerry Orbach. I think that is my new goal. To bag an old man. Julie, will you help me

There’s only one old man I really wanna bag, which is a lie, but it’s when he was a younger old man. Of course I’m talking about Jack Nicholson in the 1970s. I am deeply into him, then. Can somebody with a time machine and Bob Rafelson’s number please make this happen?

Here are a couple of his movies I’d rewrite:

1. Five Easy Pieces: instead of ordering that waitress around til he gives her toast, Jack Nicholson orders me around until I collapse in a shivering heap of rippling orgasms

2. Chinatown : Instead of walking around with a bandage on his nose, Jack Nicholson spends the entire movie with an icepack on his crotch ‘cuz I sexed him so good

3. Head: Instead of the Monkees diving into the water, it’s me diving into Jack Nicholson’s pants for two hours

4. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest: Jack Nicholson is institutionalized for being bananas over my dynamite pussy

5. Goin’ South: Yes, exactly